


In Death, Sacrifice

by the-nug-king (eloralouistra)



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: F/F, Gen, Grey Wardens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-05-06 23:29:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14658470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eloralouistra/pseuds/the-nug-king
Summary: Lucille Caron has always closed herself off from other Wardens, knowing any of them could die at any time. But when she becomes Warden Commander of Ferelden, she finds herself beginning to care about her group of Wardens.





	In Death, Sacrifice

Lucille Caron grew up living in a slum in Val Royeaux. She was orphaned when she was fairly young, and spent most of her childhood with her older brother name Curtis and younger sister Marie, looking out for themselves enough to get by. Lucille learnt to pickpocket, and to fight so she could defend the three of them when she was still a child. When she was five, Marie discovered she was a mage. Lucille and Curtis found an apostate who was able to train her, along with a few other mage children, and did their best to keep her powers hidden. They looked out for the other mage children as much as they could, and learned not to trust templars. But when Lucille was around 14, they were discovered and Marie was dragged off to the Circle.

Lucille was angry and upset and just wanted to get her sister, who she’d spent her whole life protecting, back. She got involved with the Mage’s Collective, and from them, other groups who fought for mage rights, looking for a way to get her sister out. She started fighting templars and the Chantry and getting into riskier and riskier illegal activities, and when she was finally caught she was sentenced to hang. But she was clever and capable and not afraid to die, only angry that she hadn't accomplished her goal of freeing her sister first, and there were people who took notice of that, and before she could be executed, the Right of Conscription was invoked and Lucille found herself a Grey Warden.

It was… very unexpected for her but for the most part, she was happy about it. She was suddenly respected, and financially secure, and had fancy new clothes that fit her, and the resources to be able to transition and feel properly like a girl, and she was told she was important and accomplished. The nightmares were a small price to pay for that, and getting ravenously hungry was fine because she was actually able to eat as much as she needed or wanted and if she was going to die young, well, how long would she have lasted in the streets of Val Royeaux anyway? And most importantly, after a year or so she was an established Grey Warden with the authority to recruit who she wanted, and she could go to the Circle and invoke the Right of Conscription and _finally_  get her sister out of there.

Marie died in the Joining.

Lucille closes herself off from people after that. She’s guilty and horrified and doesn’t know how to deal with her pain, so she pushes it to the side and focuses on her job as a Warden. She grows distant from the other Wardens and cuts contact with Curtis, because she can’t bare to face him after what she did to their sister. She tells herself over and over again that Wardens exist to protect others, that they don’t matter as individuals, that to do her job she must be objective and not let herself get attached, ever, to people who could lose their lives at any time, and if necessary, when she commands them into battle. She won’t go through that again.

By 9:31 Dragon, she’s a senior Grey Warden respected for her skill and practicality and ability to make tough decisions, if not particularly liked. She’s learnt to be cold and distant, and after enough time among them, to carry herself as a noble, burying her past as the street urchin who was co-reliant on her siblings. After the death of the Hero of Ferelden, she’s chosen to become Warden-Commander of Ferelden and she goes knowing that she’s going to see dozens of people go through the Joining, and many of them will die, and by this point she’s taught herself not to care.

But there’s an apostate the age Marie would be running from the Chantry, laughing and joking to hide his fears the way Marie always used to, and Lucille finds herself fighting templars again to keep him safe. There’s a pretty Legionnaire who runs from death and cries to Lucille about her grief and guilt about her dead friends and feels better for it. She apologises because she should be desensitised to death, and Lucille finds she doesn’t want to see the spark in her eyes go out and can only think  _never end up like me_. There’s an elf tearing up a whole forest because her sister is gone and she’s desperate and angry and guilty and would do  _anything_ to get her back, and Lucille can’t  _not_ help her. And once she’s finished protecting other people, Lucille finally goes after Kristoff, one of her dispensable Wardens, and she’s too late to save him but she finds a spirit of justice who cares that he died because it wasn’t  _fair_ and swears vengeance because the dead Warden should not just be forgotten. And Lucille starts caring about her Wardens.

It’s Sigrun who’s the first to see through some of her facade. Lucille pretends to be noble born; it’s easier than talking about her past and stops the nobility from looking down on her at all. But Sigrun, once casteless, a beggar, a thief, a carta thug, recognises herself in Lucille, in the way she still hordes food and her eyes linger a little too long on a purse that’s easy to grab. Sigrun laughs when Nathaniel’s offended by her saying their commander grew up on the streets too,  _she’s a noble, Sigrun_ , and Lucille can’t help smiling a little herself. Sigrun cheerfully states that she’s dead already and it’s as if she’s reminding Lucille not to care, but she’s beautiful and funny and clever and passionate and so much more than she thinks she is.

And then Sigrun tells her that after they’re done, she’s going back to the Deep Roads, to face her death properly. And the pain Lucille hid away breaks out, because she  _cares_ , she cares all about her Wardens, and Sigrun is special, and she doesn’t want to lose her. She doesn’t want to lose anyone again. She kisses Sigrun in desperation, because it’s the only way she can think to tell her  _I couldn’t bear to lose you_ , before she realises and pulls back to apologise that her behaviour was inappropriate as Sigrun’s Commander. And Sigrun kisses her back and tells her she doesn’t know how long she can stay, but while she’s here, Lucille can be as inappropriate as she wants. Lucille tries not to feel too much; they’re on borrowed time, both may as well be dead already, even if she can persuade Sigrun not to leave on a suicide mission, either of them could fall in battle at any time. But until then, Sigrun’s a reminder that right now, Lucille is alive, and maybe feeling isn’t too bad.

And then Lucille arrives to fight Darkspawn in a devastated Amaranthine and hears the Vigil is in danger and she’s spent years knowing it’s her duty to put the people of Ferelden above her own wants, that the Wardens have a duty to die to the Darkspawn if it means protecting others. She knows it doesn’t matter that she denied Sigrun’s request to come on a suicide mission with her because she can’t let her girlfriend die, or that she left Anders there because she could at least keep him safe, even if she’d failed Marie. She knows they’re no different from the countless Wardens she’s seen die in their Joinings, or in any other battle. But Maker, she can’t lose the people she loves again.

She carries her guilt over Amaranthine next to the guilt over Marie, and everyone else she’s let die. She knows, as the city falls, that she can never be free of this. But it’s better to feel guilty than to feel nothing. And it’s better to love her Wardens, her family, than to love no one at all.

After the Architect and the Mother are defeated, and Lucille finds the horror of what she did setting in, Sigrun squeezes her hand and tells her she can’t very well go to the Deep Roads when Lucille needs her this much. She makes reparations to Amaranthine and helps survivors as much as she can. People are angry, and things go more smoothly when they deal with Nathaniel, rather than the Orlesian who left their families to die, but that’s fine. Nate deserves to have people like him again, and Lucille would rather spend her time searching for Seranni with Velanna in the Deep Roads, and supporting her through the pain every time Velanna becomes overwhelmed with hopelessness. Maybe they never will find Seranni again. Maybe there is no way to help her. But that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t  _try_.

And when she’s back in the Keep, when Oghren sits down to try and write a letter to Felsi and their child, Lucille picks up her own pen and starts thinking of what she needs to say to Curtis. It takes them several hours and dozens of scrapped letters, but they help each other through and reassure each other not to give up, and try and repair as much as they can.

Several years later, Lucille and Nathaniel go to fight Darkspawn in the Free Marches. They end up in Kirkwall where Lucille explains that Grey Wardens do not get involved with politics but stands firm in front of Anders and Justice, swords drawn, because anyone who wants to hurt her friends goes through her first. And she hugs them tight and tells them not to lose contact with her again.

Soon after that, she’s summoned to Weisshaupt and given a mission to go searching for a cure for the Blight, beyond Thedas. Lucille requests to bring a team with her. And she finds Oghren and Anders and Justice and Sigrun and Velanna and Nathaniel and reunites her family, and they go off on a new adventure, together.


End file.
